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E-learning jako vzdělávací nástroj školy 3. tisíciletí

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Reading and Conversation - Art Jokes

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Art - Jokes

 

Read the jokes and quotes and answer following questions:

  • Which of them do you find the best? Why?
  • Is there some joke you do not understand? Why?
  • Do you think that jokes about art are popular? Do you know some that is popular?
  • Do you know some jokes about art and artists? Tell it to your comrades.
  • What is the logic behind these jokes? What are they mostly based upon?
  • Do you remember some funny situation connected with art? Try to turn it into a joke and tell it to your friends.
  • Do Czech and English/American jokes about art differ? How?

 

Murphy's Law of Art and Painting No 3

Resist the temptation to make one little correction to a painting as that correction will need to be corrected, and then the correction of the correction and so on.

 

 

The Painting Thief

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, fading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

 

What did the artist say to the dentist?
- Matisse hurt

 

 

Change A Light Bulb

Q: How many visitors to an Art Gallery does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

 

 

Pablo Picasso

A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."

When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.

Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"

 

 

Valuable Saucer

A famous art collector is walking along Madison Avenue when he notices a nasty, mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a grocers.

He does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the grocery and offers to buy the cat for twenty bucks.

The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a cat around the house to catch rodents. I'll give you $200 for the cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the two hundred bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold thirty cats."

 

 

Artist´s Wife

There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working with the same model for a long period of time.

His model showed up at the usual time and, after exchanging the usual small talk, began to disrobe for the day's work.

The artist told her not to bother, since he had a bad cold. He added that he would pay her for the day anyway, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea with lemon and honey.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed, and told her to fix herself a cup as well. They were sitting in the living room chatting and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, and then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"

 

 

Art Collector

Art collector is on vacation in italy. He walks into an old castle and discovers an exciting painting hanging in a dark corner. But he is sure, it must be a TIZIAN! He spends his vacation convincing the owner to sell it to him.

"But", says the owner, "there might be a problem with customs. I know a good artist who can paint a modern still life on it, then it is no problem to get it out of italy".

That´s what they do. As soon as the collector has the painting in his homecountry he asks his restorer to remove the new layer of paint. Next day, the restorers gives him a phone call: " I am down to the mussolini portrait, shall I clean any further?"

 

 

Rise In Sales

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

 

 

Blind Date

After his wife divorced him, Joe asked his best friend, Bill, to fix him up with a blind date. Bill obliged. The next day Joe called up Bill and shouted at him angrily: "Bill, what kind of a guy do you think I am. That girl you fixed me up with was cross-eyed; she was almost bald; her nose was long, thin and crooked; she had hair growing on her face; she was flat chested; and her ankles were as thick as her thighs".

Bill answered: "Either you like Picasso, or you don't like Picasso."

 

 

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

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