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E-learning jako vzdělávací nástroj školy 3. tisíciletí

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Speaking - Jokes About Czech History

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Czech History - Jokes

 

Read the jokes and answer following questions:

  • Which of them do you find the best? Why?
  • Is there some joke you do not understand? Why? Do you know Czech history well enough to understnd them?
  • Are jokes about history still popular in the Czech Republic? Why/why not? Do you know some similar jokes? Tell it to your friends.
  • Do you tell jokes about history to your friends? Why/why not? Who tells these jokes?
  • Why do Czechs have so many jokes about their history? Do they tell jokes about todays politics? Do you know a lot of political jokes?
  • Would you be able to explain some of these jokes to a stranger who knows nothing about the Czech Republic?
  • Would you like to know more about Czech history? Do you think telling jokes about history is a good way to learn and aunderstand history better?

 

 

Why build up socialism?

It's easier than working.

 

***

 

Granny, on her deathbed, has a last wish: "I want to join the Communist party!"

You are a fool," her children tell her.

No, I'm not," she says, "I just want to please my brother."

Your brother isn't a party member," they tell her.

No, but he is indescribably pleased by the death of any Communist."

 

***

 

What is the most secure country in the world?

The Czechoslovakia; it has so many friendly neighbours.

No, Israel, because it has no friendly neighbours.

 

***

 

Why are the Communist Party's papers (e.g. Rudé právo) so much bigger than the others?

So you can hide your face while reading them.

 

***

 

Are there any countries where it is not possible to build socialism?

Yes, countries like Luxembourg are far to small for such a big mess.

 

***

 

How do the Czechs know that the Earth is round?

In 1945, the imperialists were driven out to the west and in 1968, they returned from the east.

 

***

 

One morning the Czech state's leading Nazi official, Karl Hermann Frank, looks out of his castle window towards the opposite wall and sees painted a slogan in Czech in huge letters. 'Hitler is an ass!' it says - and that much he can understand. Apoplectic with rage the Reichsminister goes straight to the offices of the Czech puppet President Hacha and launches into a furious speech about the disloyalty of the Czechs.

Hacha takes high cigar out of his mouth and waves apologetically toward the Nazi: 'These people, these people,' he says, 'How many times do I have to tell them, "Everything in should be in German, everything in German!"'

 

***

 

What is the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?

A pessimist says that this regime is so bad that it could not get any worse, while an optimist knows that it can.

 

***

 

Is it true that the Czech patriots appealed to the Red Army for help?

Yes, it is true, but they appealed in 1939 and the friendly help arrives bit later.

 

***

 

Comrade Husák is giving a speech during a Communist Party meeting:

Comrades, in 1968 we were standing on an edge of deep abyss. Since then, we've taken a significant step forward..."

 

***

 

A man is standing in line for meat, and after awhile, becomes very angry and tells his friend, "I've had it. I'm going to go and kill Husak."

After awhile, the man comes back. "What happened?" asked his friend. "The line's longer over there."

 

***

 

What's the difference between the Czechoslovak Crown and the US Dollar?

About a dollar.

 

***

 

Václav Havel, in prison, receives a letter from his wife, Olga: "Václav, I would like to plant potatoes in the garden, but I have no one to help me dig the ground, and you will be in prison for at least another two years."

Václav writes back: "Olga! Heaven help you! Don't plant anything in the garden! I buried very important materials there."

In the next letter, Olga writes: "Václav, six men arrived and turned the garden upside down searching for something, what should I do?"

Václav writes back: "Plant the potatoes."

 

***

 

A pollster asks an American, a Russian, and a Czech: "What is your opinion about standing in line for meat?"

The American says: "What do you mean, 'standing in line'?"

The Russian says: "What do you mean, 'meat'?"

The Czech says: "What do you mean, 'think'?"

 

***

 

A Czechoslovak delegation headed by Miloš Jakeš visited Argentina. During the whole trip, Jakes had nothing to say, but just before departure, he asked through a translator, "Please tell me how it is possible that you have 80% illiteracy and yet everything is so clean and efficient.

The Argentine president answered, "That's easy, Secretary Jakeš, we don't put them in the government."

 

***

 

The Seven Wonders of Socialism

1. Everybody is employed.

2. Although everybody is employed, nobody works

3. Although nobody works, everybody fulfills the plan.

4. Although everybody fulfills the plan, there are no goods.

5. Although there are no goods, everybody has everything.

6. Although everybody has everything, everybody steals.

7. Although everybody steals, nothing is ever missing.

or

6. Although everybody has everything, nobody is satisfied.

7. Although nobody is satisfied, the Communist party always gets 100% of the vote.

 

***

 

Husak and Reagan are discussing the number of people who are discontented with their respective governments.

Reagan says: "I'm sure the number isn't higher than 20 million.

Husák says: "To tell the truth, it's about the same in Czechoslovakia."

 

***

 

Gustav Husák is talking on the phone to Leonid Brezhnev: "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, no, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, Goodbye."

My god," said Husák's assistant, "How did you have the nerve to tell him no."

It was no problem," said Husák, "he was just asking if my mouth didn't hurt from saying yes all the time."

 

***

 

Why is capitalism standing on an edge of an abyss?

To see us better.

 

***

 

One day, Gustav Husak goes outside Prague Castle and begins bending over, picking up rocks, examining them and putting them in his backpack. He does this for several hours and his assistants begin to worry about the mental state of their leader and calls Moscow to see if they can make anything of it.

Oh, again the problems with connection" says Brezhnev, "We have to check what our Lunakhod moon rover is doing."

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