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E-learning jako vzdělávací nástroj školy 3. tisíciletí

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Speaking - Celebrites Jokes

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Celebrities, Famous People – Jokes

Read the jokes and quotes and answer following questions:

  • Which of them do you find the best? Why?
  • Is there some joke you do not understand? Why?
  • Why are jokes about famous people so popular? Do you know some similar joke? Tell it to your comrades.
  • Do you experience some strange and funny situation with some celebrity? Can you turn it into joke?
  • What is the logic behind these jokes? What are they mostly based upon?
  • What are typical stereotypes connected with celebrities? Can you find them in these jokes? Are English/American stereotypes same as Czech ones?
  • Do Czech and English/American jokes about celebrities differ? How?

 

 

 

"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."

-Linda Evangelista

"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day."

-Linda Evangelista

 

 

 

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.

 

 

 

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

 

 

 

MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH IS:
Bill Gates falling out of a Window.

 

 

 

Error

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

 

 

 

Bill and Hilary Clinton at a restaurant

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almandine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds great, I'll have that", says Hillary. The waiter nods, "And the vegetable madam?"

"Oh, he'll have fish!", Hillary replies.

 

 

 

Mozart´s Compositions

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 

 

 

Shark Attack Heroes

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankees fan from the water. Then using autographed Manny Ramirez baseball bats, the three Beantown heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing...how's the bait holding up?"

 

 

 

The Most Famous Man

Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

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