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E-learning jako vzdělávací nástroj školy 3. tisíciletí

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Speaking - Restaurant Jokes

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Restaurant - Jokes

 

Read the jokes and answer following questions:

  • Which of them do you find the best? Why?
  • Is there some joke you do not understand? Why?
  • Are jokes about restaurants popular? Why? Do you know some similar jokes? Tell it to your friends.
  • Do you experience some strange and funny situation in the restaurant? Can you turn it into joke?
  • What is the logic behind these jokes? What are they mostly based upon?
  • What are typical stereotypes connected with eating out? Can you find them in these jokes? Are English/American stereotypes same as Czech ones?
  • Do Czech and English/American jokes about restaurants differ? How?

 

 

Waiter, waiter, do they change the tablecloths in this restaurant?

I don't know, sir. I've only been here a year.

 

***

 

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.

One of the men said to the other, “Please, help yourself.”

The other one said “Okay”, and helped himself to the larger fish.

After a tense silence, the first one said, “really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!”

The other one replied, “What are you complaining for; you have it, don’t you?”

 

***

 

Four women were quietly sitting in a restaurant.

 

***

 

A woman comes into a restaurant, and on her way to her table, she notices a deliciously looking meal that another guest was having.

She sits down, and says to the waiter:"Please bring me the same meal that the man over there is having."

A few minutes pass and the waiter returns with a big smile on his face and a meal on his tablet: "I'm very sorry you had to wait this long, but I had such a hard time taking it from him!"

 

***

 

How did you find your steak, sir?

I just turned over a chip and there it was.

 

***

 

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

 

***

 

The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn jeans and a leather jacket approached him. “Hey, man,” he said, “where’s the toilet?”

“Go down the hall and turn left, “replied the headwaiter. “When you see the sign marked Gentlemen; pay no attention to it and go right on in.”

 

***

 

Jane’s father decided to take all the family out to a restaurant for a meal. As he d spent quite a lot of money for the meal he said to the waiter, “Could I have a bag to take the leftovers home for the dog?”

“Gosh!” exclaimed Jane, “Are we getting a dog?”

 

***

 

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night’s special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

“The chicken sounds good; I´ll have that,” the woman says.

The waiter nods. “And the vegetable?” he asks.

“Oh, he´ll have the fish,” she replies.

 

***

 

Waiter, waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.

Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

 

***

 

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

 

***

 

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

 

***

 

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

“What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”

 

***

 

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

 

***

 

A man was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as the man burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. “

“This is the worst day of my life,” the man said. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

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